i've had enough

I’m so sick and tired of all this bullshit.
One more time, and I will simply lose it.
Sick of smiling while I bleed from within.
Tired of being with you through thick and thin.
Even after all the things that we’ve been through,
Sometimes I wonder if I even know you.
I had no feelings towards u, neither love nor hate
So I took a deep breath and resigned myself to fate.
Being with each other till death do us part
Will never work out, as I knew from the start.
I thot that over time , love could be bred
But all I feel towards you now is hatred
All those stupid things that u do and u say
Stand out more starkly with each passing day.
Till the point has arrived when I find u repulsive
If it’s u I have to live with, then i'd rather not live.

there and back again

there and back again

My eyes if they so desire
Can see the world without the fire
Can see just all the ice and find
Infinite solace and peace of mind.
But soon ,of course, the mind will bore
And dream of the fire in the days of yore
And I will search all through the dark
To find something to set off the spark.
And with that spark, my eyes will light
Dance riotously all through the night
Move like a wild beast that’s hard to tame
Then flicker and fade like away like a flame.
Then, when that flame is all put out
I’ll rub my eyes and glance about
And feel slicing, freezing pain
And ice is all I’ll see again

More ranting...

And as suddenly as it began, my stay in Manipal is up.... I’m leaving tomorrow. And what have I done here for an entire month?? Well... honestly I can’t think of many interesting things I did... I came u here with great plans... Doing GRE wordlist, learning up C and C++, doing apti etc etc... Hell, I even brought books... Now you may ask... “what the fuck did you do for a whole month?”... Honestly, I don’t know.. All the work I did for the project was last minute... I didn’t go drinking almost everyday like I’d planned to....in fact, I didn’t even go once a week.... I went clubbing exactly ONCE.... I didn’t smoke ... potted only TWICE...
The only thing I remember religiously pursuing is Facebook... Speaking of religion, Udupi is supposed to have really beautiful temples... And i haven’t visited a one of them... L Two days ago I got my lazy ass over to a temple which is a pleasant stroll away... And when I got there, there were these guys dressed in red dhotis with bells hanging from their belts... In a Karanatakan version of the Velichappaadu [it’s a mallu thing]... Anyhooo.... They were banging cymbals and shouting etc etc... And I was the only person looking at them warily and hastening to get as far away from them as I could... And i’m pretty sure they’d sacrificed a chicken for the goddess or something shortly before I arrived... euuurgh ... I hate the whole idea of sacrificing to appease the gods... I’m sure they can feed themselves when they’re hungry... hello...I mean... They’re GODS man... If they can make you, i’m sure they can make their own food too... And if you’re so enthu to appease the gods , go jump in some fucking volcano yourself man... Anyhoooo... I tend to digress... :D
Hmmm... thats not a bad thing really now is it??? Anyway... i’m just upset that I’m already leaving this place and I never really walked around the hillside or went and checked out the interior areas... I love seeing new places... In fact, my deam job would include me staying in one place for not more than a couple of years... Maybe eventually , as I grow older , I might wanna settle down... Anyway... Joana isn’t the walking around type and I’m not the type to ask people to do something they don’t wanna do... So I haven’t been exploring on foot like i intended to...And i didn’t go alone because I hate being alone... I get too depressed...I’m actually sort of very affected by things that happen around me....Being with other people keeps me distracted.... But ya... we did go to a lot of places... but not enough.. L I’m hard to please...
In fact, i’ll tell you one of the weird things I did... We’d gone to this museum ... It was Dr T M A Pai’s old house which has now been converted into a museum of his belongings and photographs etc. ... There were two old men in the reception ... Around 85 they were... They used to be friends with Dr Pai and now run the museum at the request of his children... Anyway... The others weren’t very keen on staying there for too long, so we left in a while.... And ever since I got back , I wanted to go back to that museum.. I especially wanted to talk to those two old ppl cuz they seemed very lonely there... So the next day, I walked there, looked around at everything i’d missed the previous day and then chatted with those granddads for quite a while.... And I was so glad I did it... I don’t know why, but I really like talking to old people... They almost radiate wisdom.... It’s a very humbling experience.... I think this is the third old gentleman I’ve had a looong conversation with... Of the other two ,one used to work in the ministry and the film board of India and the other was a scientist who [according to him], the Russians had tried to kill...
Haha.. now I’ve totally digressed and I’m going out to have my last beer during this stay in Manipal..
:D

Ranting..... Raving....

I'm sitting here typing this shit while this really cute guy in the flat is smokin up ... lights are switched off.. trance music is playing... i hate trance.... but it seems to give him a good trip... :D
I like watching people having good trips... They look so satisfied and at peace with the world...

Anyway... my friend ,lets call him Didier [cuz it's a French name :D and i'm currently reading Shantaram] asked me if girls enjoy watching gay porn as much as guys like watching lesbo porn... Hmmm... I think not...
I dont know if i speak for all girls when i say that I find it quite disturbing. Somehow, though i'm ok with ppl being gay, i'd rather not watch them ...umm....in sex related action... I dont mind LB porn as much, i think ... but maybe thats because ,as one of my friends keeps trying to prove, theres a bit of a lesbian in every girl...

Again, i dont know if it holds for all girls, but i surely know that it holds for quite a few. But I think thats been bred by the necessity of a woman having someone to , as they say, "love her tender"... and i bet not MANY men can do that.... :D
They'll probably just look for the quickest way of stuffing the thingy in... Though i admit , i don't speak from experience... The guy I did it with was quite good [ I can imagine people who know me rolling their eyes at the well triedness of this] .. ok so im ranting... sue me....
Oh my god... i've typed out more than i expected.... :D I'm impressed... it proves that i can think... Big ,fat, hairy deal if the thoughts are weird...